I’ve been in a training course for the last 2 days. Not that I’ve been the one to be trained. I was merely “sitting in” on the 2 day course to get a good idea of how the company I work for provides training to large global companies.
To say the two days was an eye opener was a bit of an understatement. I’ve only ever had 2 training courses in my whole career, consisting of one day each, and I had to fight to get that training. For all the good it did to be honest. I guess you’d call it “traditional” training that I had: sit in a room with people that you don’t get to know because you will never see them again, listen to the tutor and fill in the workbook at appropriate stages, and have a bit of role play thrown in if you’re lucky. Take the workbook home afterwards, and within a week the workbook is lost under a pile of something, never to be seen again, never mind thought about.
This course had interaction, action plans, projects were set up, laughs were had and it was a truly inspiring experience, but I want to talk about what I learnt. I was supposed to be only “sitting in” but I couldn’t help but take notes on the areas that interested me…
One of the first things was Covey’s Circle of Concern:
The circle contains three areas – the outside area being “concern” – things that concern us, but actually things that really don’t do us any good to spend our time on. This area contains things such as blame, it drains our energy, and wastes our energy by us trying to fight things we cannot change. If there are things we cannot change, we need to use the areas in “influence” and “control” to ensure that we influence the things we can change.
The only thing you can control is the way YOU see things. The middle circle is effectively your mindset, and YOU are the only one to control it. Spending time in the Influence and Control circles enables you to have more power over your own life and mindset instead of being caught up in areas (Concern circle) that are only sapping of your energy, energy that can be concentrated on good things in your life.
“Choose to make a choice or choose not to make a choice – they BOTH have consequences”
I also learnt more about Emotional Intelligence (similar to IQ, but EQ!).
The top left hand box describes our self awareness. We should ALL be aware of our own behaviour and see how we are in reality, ie: “How good is your mirror?”
Our social awareness is in the top right box – awareness of what is going on with others, this means empathy for others, where we actually show that we care by asking how they are, how their day has been. It’s about CARING for people, and we should all be capable of it.
Self Management in the bottom left is about being able to choose your reactions, responses and reasons. We are all in control of how we act towards others, and how we come across to those people.
Then on the bottom right we have basically Social Management – which means having the behavioural flexibility to meet the needs of others. For example, one of our friends may be hurting and you may not be in the mood to help out, but you have the behavioural flexibility to adapt your mood to go sit and talk to them, or give them a hug or offer your support. YOU have the means of changing your mood.
In the diagram I saw today it also had a circle in the middle – the circle was for Self Motivation. Self motivation comes from the 4 aspects I have detailed above. Motivation comes from within, as does self awareness, as does social awareness, as does self management, as does social management. it all comes from YOU, and the way you perceive people, how they perceive you, how you act towards people, can all be changed by YOU.
I also learnt about Transactional Analysis. I’d heard about this before, but it was explored in a bit more depth, basically its about the parent-adult-child scenario.
Basically, this defines the communication between two people. There are two types of “parent” – Critical Parent – One who will say “You’re wrong” or “you’re being ridiculous” or “pull yourself together” while the Nurturing Parent will say “What’s wrong?” or put an arm around your shoulder. The Adult to Adult communication is what we should be striving for, it is the communication that deals with the facts, and takes the emotion out of the issue. The fully resourced person (Adult) will get all the facts, remain logical (not emotional) and deal with the real issue. The Child – Child communication is not healthy either; it makes the situation worse and both are doing the same negative things, and it ends up like being in a child’s playground. The Parent – Child communication is not healthy either, where the Critical Parent will blame the child, and the child gets upset, is angry, cries in response to conflict. We need to strive to have the Adult-Adult communication and strive to break the pattern of any other type of behaviour mentioned here.
The diagram above shows various conflict behaviours. You may have seen them referred to as assertive, passive, passive aggressive etc.
The top left box “I am NOT ok, you are ok” – this is seen as PASSIVE behaviour. Stand up for yourself!!
The bottom left box – This is passive aggressive behaviour and can be very difficult to deal with, and no matter how hard you try, it is usually a lost cause.
Bottom right box – “I am ok, you or NOT ok” – this is seen as aggressive, and also like the Critical Parent.
The top right box is “I am ok, you are ok” is the Assertive Adult-Adult which we need to strive for. This one shows us that we can BOTH win – “I am right and so are you” and “BOTH of our views are important”.
How do you deal with conflict??
I found this all very interesting, and you can begin to see these behaviours in others, and begin to see why they react the way they do. Everyone is capable of change though, and if you aren’t happy with behaviours you are expressing, it can be changed. So, how do you deal with conflict? How do you see yourself? How do others see you? How could you do things differently?
I have been very brief here, there is a MASSIVE amount of info on this stuff out there, some of which I intend to read, I find the human consciousness so interesting, we are all so different, but share so many similarities. So.. how do YOU answer the questions in the previous paragraph?